Kako izhajati iz sebe in ne iz okolice? Ko sem se za\u010dela zavedati, da moji ob\u010dutki, \u010dustva izhajajo iz mene in da nanje okolica ne vpliva, ampak jih samo trigira, na meni pa je ali jih bom razre\u0161ila (glej no glje, saj to je vendar rima), se je moje \u017eivljenje po\u010dasi za\u010delo obra\u010dati v smer, katere nisem bila navajena. Iskreno, v\u010dasih se je \u0161e vedno navajam, ampak je s \u010dasom to postalo veliko la\u017eje. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Veliko let svojega \u017eivljenja sem pre\u017eivela zaslepljena s prepri\u010danjem, da je okolica kriva za moje po\u010dutje, celo za potek mojega \u017eivljenja, krivila sem jo tudi za svojo nesre\u010do in \u0161e in \u0161e krivde bi ji lahko naprtila. To okolico je najprej predstavljala moja dru\u017eina, moji star\u0161i in sestra, ta se je v mojem odra\u0161\u010danju prelevila v \u0161ir\u0161o dru\u017eino, starih star\u0161ev, stricev in tet, kasneje pa na ljudi s katerimi sem vsakodnevno sodelovala. Ko zdaj vr\u017eem oko v tisto obdobje, sem vesela in hvale\u017ena za potek dolo\u010denih dogodkov v mojem \u017eivljenju, ki so me prebudili iz tega filma. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Iz filma v katerem sem igrala vlogo glavne \u017ertve in njene slu\u017ebe. Slu\u017ebe kazanja s prstom, prevra\u010danja krivde na druge, izogibanja odgovornosti za svoje \u017eivljenje. Zakaj sem se tako dobro zna\u0161a v njeni su\u017enosti? To je bil (in ve\u010dkrat \u0161e vedno je) moj vzorec. Vzorec ali posnemanje vedenja, ki mi je bilo predstavljeno v mojem odra\u0161\u010danju, ki sem ga prevzela, da sem v okolju v katerem sem odra\u0161\u010dala pre\u017eivela. Iz istega, pre\u017eivetvenega razloga vzorci sploh nastanejo, posnemajo jih \u017ee stari star\u0161i na\u0161ih starih star\u0161ev, potomci pa jih prena\u0161amo dalje. Kljub temu, da nam sploh ne slu\u017eijo ve\u010d. Posnemanje in prena\u0161anje vzorcev je lahko za\u010daran krog, dokler ga nekdo v generaciji ne prekine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sla\u010denje te \u017eelezne srajce, prekinjanje vzorcev je bole\u010de. Tudi sama se soo\u010dam s tem. Zame eno izmed bole\u010dih prepri\u010danj je bilo, da potem ne pripadam. Ne pripadam svoji osnovni celici, dru\u017eini. Kje je potem \u0161ele skupnost. In seveda, ko ne pripadam, le to ogro\u017ea moje pre\u017eivetje.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Moj um se je v naboru vseh \u017eivljenjskih izku\u0161enj, ki so mi prekri\u017eale pot pa\u010d nau\u010dil dolo\u010denih prepri\u010danj, ki so sama po sebi omejujo\u010da z razlogom, da pre\u017eivim in to je v njegovem prevodu, da pripadam. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pa res ne pripadam ve\u010d svoji dru\u017eini, \u010de prekinem vzorec ali ve\u010d njih? Na to vpra\u0161anje sem si odgovarjala v pretekih dneh. Odlo\u010dila sem se, da se pri svojih rosnih 34 letih odselim od doma. Izku\u0161nja je bila psihi\u010dno naporna, saj so si jo moji doma\u010di razlo\u017eili po svoje, iz njihovih \u010dustev in ob\u010dutkov, ki so bili z novico spro\u017eeni. Vendar mi je bilo v oporo to moje novo prepri\u010danje. Vsa moja \u010dustva, kr\u010denje telesa, pani\u010dni napadi so moji. Jaz sem odgovorna kaj bom z njimi storila Jih bom sprejela, samo opazovala, se bom podala v njihovo globino, jih raziskala in razre\u0161ila? Ali jih bom ignorirala, \u0161e naprej tla\u010dila in pometala pod preprogo vse dokler tam ne zmanjka prostora in me zadu\u0161ijo?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oboje boli. Fucking boli. Razlika je samo v tem, koliko \u010dasa bole\u010dina traja. Ko se poglobim vase z zavedanjem, da mi moja \u010dustva, ob\u010duti \u017eelijo nekaj povedati, da jim to pustim bo bolelo, vendar sem do sedaj spoznala, da ta bole\u010dina traja ravno toliko \u010dasa kolikor potrebuje. V kolikor stvari pometam pod preprogo, se ta bole\u010dina vra\u010da vedno znova in se bo vra\u010dala vse dokler se z njo ne bom soo\u010dila. Morda trenutno boli res manj, se jo pa zato hitreje navadimo in postane samoumevna, tu je.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Zavedanje, da imam izbiro ali bom bole\u010dino (in druga \u010dustva) sprejela in se soo\u010dila z njimi je osvobojajo\u010de. Takrat vloga \u017ertve dobi odpoved in jaz lahko diham svoje \u017eivljenje.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Kako izhajati iz sebe in ne iz okolice? Ko sem se za\u010dela zavedati, da moji ob\u010dutki, \u010dustva izhajajo iz mene […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[13],"class_list":["post-65","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-razmisljanja"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=65"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/65\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=65"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=65"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/barbarineiskrice.si\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=65"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}